


FAP FAP FAP

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America's POV, Crack, M/M, Masturbation, Other, WTF, lulz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-24
Updated: 2012-06-24
Packaged: 2017-11-08 10:08:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/442050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>America is forever alone on Valentine's Day, so he spends it masturbating while thinking of England. Well, that was his plan, at least. But annoying interruptions keep ruining his special alone time! America's silly POV for the lulz.</p>
            </blockquote>





	FAP FAP FAP

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Valentine's Day and I wrote a fic about masturbation /trololololol
> 
> This technically isn't USUK (or is only one-sided USUK) but it has a strong USUK bias. Also, America's POV! :D

"Bye, you guys!" I'd told them a couple days ago at the World Meeting. "See y'all after Valentine's!"

I thought that'd be it. They'd be like "Oh, yeah! It's almost here! Happy Valentine's!" and I'd say "Happy Valentine's Day to you too!" even though honestly I don't care if they have a happy Valentine's Day or not. Then we'd all leave like we normally do and that'd be that, ya know?

But that stupid France. He always has some smartass thing to say!

"Oh, you have someone special for Valentine's, America?" he asked with this grin, being all smug and snooty and French.

"Hells yeah!" I said. "Got a hot date!"

"Ah, I see. Well, have fun, you two."

"Oh, we definitely will!"

Now look. It wasn't a lie. I just didn't mention the fact that my 'hot date' was with my right hand, okay?

And that's where this story begins. Me, on my bed, on my back, furiously fapping away.

On Valentine's Day :'(

Don't get the wrong idea. It's not like I couldn't find someone to be with on Valentine's Day. I mean, I totally could. I'm America! Coolest country on the planet! It's just that … meh, what's the point? It's too much of a hassle. Going through all the work of having to get a card and flowers and candy and going out to dinner and all that BS. Why go through all that when I get off with my hand just as easy and much cheaper? It's just math, you guys!

Plus I didn't really wanna be with anyone except England, but that's a secret so shhhhh ;)

So there I was. On my bed jacking off. I still had my clothes on since I was too lazy to take them off. I just unzipped and tugged my pants down enough to get'er done. I laid on my back and stared hardcore at the ceiling. Because I'd taped a picture of England up there.

FAP FAP FAP

And I mean an actual picture of England. Like the map of his country. I found it on Wikipedia and printed it out. If you're wondering why I didn't tape a picture of England's more fuckable form instead, shut up. I don't have a picture of him. And I damn sure wasn't just gonna go up to him and be like "Hey, can I take a pic? You know, so I can jerk off to it? Thanks, dude! SAY CHEESE!" Uh, no. Besides, the country itself is kinda hot in its own way. Y'all seen them curves down around Plymouth and Penzance? Unf.

FAP FAP FAP

I'd just started. Squirted some lotion on my hand and started stroking. It's probably pathetic how quickly I got hard looking at that map. But just a few strokes in and I had a total boner. Then I increased my pace, pumping harder. I didn't take my eyes off the map. I mumbled, "England …" and already felt myself getting close. Yeah, it'd only been a minute or two, for those of you perverts who were wondering. So I backed off for a minute. I stopped and sighed. So this was my Valentine's Day.

Forever alone :')

Then I went back to jerking it.

FAP FAP FAP

My hand pumped furiously over my cock. Masturbation really is the best, right? I mean, who knows what gets yourself off better than you? Never mind that I was fantasizing about someone else and calling his name while I was doing this. I just said that to make myself feel better, okay? ! Because it's Valentine's Day and I'm alone masturbating, darn it!

FAP FAP FAP

I imagined it was England's hand on my cock instead of my own, stroking away. I bet he knows what he's doing. I'm sure he jacks off even more than me, so he definitely knows his way around a cock. He's a pervert and spends most of his time alone — what do you think is gonna happen? I bet he's a big wanker.

FAP FAP FAP

Wouldn't it be awesome if he was masturbating at the same time as me? Then it's almost like we're doing it. Right? RIGHT? ! Close enough. Especially if he was thinking of me while doing it. Or looking at a picture of me. Or maybe a map of me … a map of Florida …

When I thought about England fapping like that, I felt myself get close again. I knew I should probably back off again but I just couldn't help myself. I kept going, knowing I was just a few strokes away from cumming all over my stomach …

Di-ing!

"WHOA!" I actually said out loud. I quickly sat up on reflex. Some chimey ring sound interrupted my special fapping time! Took me a second but then I realized it was my iPhone. Someone had sent me a text.

GRRRR! I don't like to be interrupted while I'm jerking off! NOT COOL. Especially when I was so close. Now I wasn't because I was distracted. Someone better be dead or it is NOT worth it!

I grabbed my phone with my non-sticky hand and looked. Oh this better be important or I am gonna be pissed …

'Hey.'

That's it. Hey. HEY. HEY! Can you believe that? ! Three friggin' letters. My Valentine's gasm was delayed for 'hey'? ! GRRR SO FRUSTRATING!

I texted back with one hand. I was just so pissed off!

'HEY! GO FUCK YOURSELF!'

That was my eloquent reply. Kinda ironic, since technically I was the one fucking myself, but whatever. I still had my erect cock in my other hand, so I didn't really care all that much.

Canada would not be very happy about what I sent him.

But oh well. He shouldn't have texted me while I was busy playing with myself, ya know?

He texted back 'WTF? ?' but when I heard that stupid chime sound again, I picked up my phone and tossed it across the room. I was already back to touching myself, and I was NOT gonna stand for another distraction. Or even sit. Nope! I was gonna lay there and look at my England map and keep stroking. That was my plan. Shut up, Canada.

And that's what I did.

FAP FAP FAP

Ah, right hand … you truly are a good date. You don't cost a penny, you don't bitch about stuff, and you know just how to please me. You know all the right ways, just exactly how I like to be stroked along the shaft, just the right amount of pressure, know I like that one spot just under the head-

DING DONG!

"DAMN IT!" I said out loud, still fisting my cock. Who could be ringing my doorbell at this hour? ! Not that it was late BUT STILL! I meant my fapping hour. You don't ring people doorbell's during fapping hour! The only dong that should be around during that time is my own, not the ding dong of the doorbell, okey?

DING DONG!

"Again? SERIOUSLY?"

If I just didn't answer they'd assume I wasn't home and go away. That was what I thought but when it rang twice, I just couldn't concentrate. I didn't stop at first, I kept masturbating, but then my concentration was shot. How long would it take them to give up and go away? I don't want them to keep ringing my doorbell while I'm busy pleasuring myself to England's map!

Then I remembered. I was expecting a package! Oh yeeeeah. I forgot all about that! I ordered it on the Internets a few days ago. It was probably UPS coming to deliver it!

Then I was like CRAP. Now I GOTTA answer it! Because I probably gotta sign for it and if I don't they're gonna bring it back to the post office and then I gotta go all the way down there and they're only open dumbass hours and they're slow and suck and HGGGGGGGNNHHH! ! So frustrating!

I didn't have much of a choice.

"It's okay, it'll only take a minute," I said to myself as I quickly washed my hands. Didn't want them smelling my … uh … manly scents on me, hehe.

DING DONG!

That was the third ring. UPS is pushy!

"COMING!" I yelled. Though I wish I was doing a different kind of coming … (Get it? HURR HURR)

I zipped up, but quickly realized that my boner was still visible. I was clearly pitching a tent. "Crap, this is no good," I said as I stared down at it. The delivery guy would totally see! Hmm. I needed something to cover myself up with …

"HEY WHALE!" I called.

My whale poked its head from around the corner. "Nnmmoooo?"

"Come stand in front of me while I answer the door."

"Woooooo!" it replied happily.

So we gotta into position. I was in the doorway, with my whale standing in front of me, blocking me from the waist down. Cool beans.

I GOT THIS.

I opened the door. "Hello! I can sign for – oh. Crap."

It wasn't a delivery guy at all. Instead when I opened the door, I saw three little girls in cute uniforms all smiling up at me like ^-^

"Wanna buy some Girl Scout cookies, Mister?" happily asked the blonde one with pigtails.

"Uhhh …"

Well, this was awkward. I definitely did not want these little girls to know about my boner! Because then people would think I'm a pedo or something and I'll have to go door to door and tell people I'm a sex offender and that will make Halloween trick or treating very awkward.

But damn if I didn't want me some of them cookies!

"Oh heck yes!" I replied. My mouth was literally watering just thinking about them things! My dick was telling me to shut up and get back to fapping, but I can only listen to one at a time. Sorry, penis. But I love cookies. "I'll take two boxes of Thin Mints, three of the DO-SI-DOS, and … crap, what are those ones I love? Oh yeah, Tagalongs! Gimme like five boxes of them. What other kinds you kids got?"

"Trefoils, Samoas –"

"Oh yeah! Gimme like two boxes of each of them too."

"Wow, mister!" said the girl, still going like this ^-^ "You must have a big family to eat all those cookies!"

"Kid, please. They are all for ME AND MY MOUTH."

"Woooooooo!" said my whale.

I broke out my wallet to pay. As I was handing over the money, one asked me, "Hey! What's that smell?"

"Yeah, I smell it too!" said another girl.

"It smells like berries!"

Shit. That was my lotion. Why did I get scented kind? Man, I'm dumb sometimes …

"Just take the money!" I threw the rest of the cash at them. I made it rain, bitches.

"I smell bleach!" said another girl.

"Just gimme my damn cookies!" I yelled at them.

"Awwwwwww!" said the one with the pigtails. "You said a bad word! I'm telling on you!"

"Pfft, whatever, kid." And with that, I grabbed all my cookie boxes and slammed the door on their cute little faces. "Okay, whale, you can move now."

"Oooooooo" it oooed.

My boner was going away so I had to hurry and get back to jerking off. I only ate three handfuls of cookies before I flopped back down on the bed. "Ahh …" I said, taking my dick back out. "Miss me, England?" I stared up at the map. "Sorry about that interruption. Now we can get back to business." I cupped around my cock and resumed stroking. It hardened again in my hand.

FAP FAP FAP

"Oh God, England …" I whimpered, really getting into it. "Look at those county lines … unf … oh yeah. So fuckin' hot."

RIIIIIIIING

"Mmm, yeah, I'd be all over your topography, you dirty sl – WHAAA!" I startled, sitting up again.

RIIIIIIIING

It was my iPhone! Ringing from across the room from where I'd threw it in frustration. SEXUAL frustration because all I'm trying to do it get myself off and I keep getting interrupted, GOSH!

RIIIIIIIING

"SHUT UP!" I yelled at the phone. Well crap! It was too late now. I'd already broken my concentration. My cock was like "meh" because I was distracted. GOSH DARN IT!

Someone was gonna pay for this.

I hopped off the bed and raced across the room to grab my phone. As soon as I picked it up I answered and said "LEAVE ME ALONE I'M BUSY!" (Busy getting busy with myself!)

"Tsk," said a voice much calmer than what I expected since I'd just yelled at them. "Zat was quite a rude way to be greeted, America."

"France." I narrowed my eyes. Ugh. It was France who pissed me off earlier because he was implying I didn't have a date for Valentine's. I mean, I don't, but still! It pissed me off. "What do you want?"

"I have something very important to ask you. It is a matter of grave importance!"

"Yeah, something terrible better have happened for you to interrupt me while I'm busy!"

"It is." France sounded so melodramatic. "Oh, it is! You simply must tell me who I left the World Meeting with the other day."

I sat back down on the bed. "Huh?"

"It is a travesty! A Valentine's TRAVESTY!"

"Jeez." My cock was drooping. I was going soft again, listening to this French douchebaguette. "What happened? Please tell me as quickly as possible!" So I can get back to jacking off …

"Well, zis is what happened …" So much DRAMA in his voice! "I remember leaving with someone … going back to ze hotel. And zey must have slipped me something in my wine because when I woke up, covered in the fluids of le amour, zey were gone, and I did not remember a thing!"

"HAHAHA!" I laughed. "That's hilarious!"

"NON! It is NOT! Because I don't remember a thing!"

"Soooo … you're upset because you got laid and can't remember it?" At least you're getting laid, jeez … (I mean, not that I'm lonely or anything!)

"No, I do not care about that," said France. "I'm certain I quite enjoyed myself."

"Pffft, yeah, are you sure you're not remembering this backwards? Like YOU roofied someone ELSE?"

"NON!" yelled France, so the drama. "It was MOI! And now I have contracted le syphilis!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" I LOL'd.

"It is not funny! I have developed a lesion on my le penis!"

"HAHAHAHA! Oh God! Stop! HAHA! I'm gonna piss myself!" Which wouldn't have been good, because my penis was still out, and I would have wet the bed!

"Stop laughing! Zis is serious!" France sounded like he was about to cry. LOL. "You were ze last person I spoke to before I left zat day before I saw ze other person. Who was it? I simply must know!"

"Ah, man …" I thought hard. "I do remember you leaving with someone …"

"YOU DO? ! Oh, magnifique! Please do tell!"

"I dunno who though …" I said. "I don't remember."

"Think, America!" begged France. "Think le hard!"

I thought hard again. I thought so hard I rubbed my chin and went "hmmm." But then I realized I accidentally rubbed my chin with the same hand I'd been jerking it with. D: Eew. "Hey, France," I said.

"Yes?" he replied, hopefully. "Do you remember?"

"Huh? Oh, no. I was just thinking how you got a VD on Valentine's Day. A VD for VD! Get it? HAHAHA!"

"Zat is not funny!"

"It is!"

"Do you remember who it was?"

"Nope." I was looking down. I was near about flaccid again. Damn it! Now it's almost like starting over. Stupid distractions! I'd had enough! "And I gotta go now because I don't feel like talking to you anymore."

"Fine," said France, sounding pissed. "But call me if you remember."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." I squirted some more lotion in my hand as I spoke. Mmm, berries … "Hehe … Happy VD, France!"

"Heh," replied France, all smug for some reason. "Enjoy your hand, America."

Click.

:O

How did he know? ! Stupid smart French jerk! I wonder if it was my voice or something … or maybe he just assumed I was lonely and masturbating on Valentine's … gosh darn it! STUPID FRANCE! I'm going back to calling them Freedom Fries so THERE.

Oh well. At least he was off the phone and I could get back to the task at hand. (The task in this case is my penis.) I palmed myself again, bringing my boner back. It only took a few strokes staring up at that England map. Then I was rock hard.

"Fuck yes …" I whispered, laying back and looking at the map. I pumped faster. "Look at that Bristol Channel … mmm, yeah … so hot …" Oh, the things I'd do to that channel. Florida would be all up in that. "I'd bang your channel so hard they'd feel it all the way in Oxford, oh yeah …"

FAP FAP FAP

I was getting close again. I was breathing really weird and hard. Then I stroked even faster. "Yes, yes, yes …" I whimpered, almost there. "Fuck yeah, England … I'm about to—"

DING DONG!

"GRRRRR!"

No, I didn't cum. Pfft, that'd be a weird thing to say when cumming, am I right? No, that happened right before I did and it startled me. I sat up again. What could it be now? !

Oh yeah! I didn't actually get my package! Darn it, now it really was here and I was so close …

Oh well, what's one more distraction? Beats going to the stupid post office. I quickly zipped up again and washed my hands. Don't wanna hold a pen to sign with a sticky hand! When I was done, I raced to the door and threw it open.

"I'M HERE, DON'T LEAVE!" I yelled to the delivery guy. Who was already walking down my front steps.

"Huh?" The UPS guy looked back at me. "Nah, man, it's cool."

"Oh, thank goodness! I'm not too late!"

"Nope! I already left it there for you."

"Whaaaat …?" I looked down. My package was right in front of the door. "What the? ! I don't gotta sign nothing? !"

"Nah, it's just a normal delivery."

GRRR! I was so frustrated! I didn't have to stop fapping after all! I didn't have to sign for it, so I could have just finished and then brought the package inside when I was done! /derp

"Yeah, um, thanks," I said.

"No prob! Nice package, by the way."

I bent over and picked it up. "Huh? It looks like a normal package to me."

"I meant the one in your pants."

"HUH? !"

I glanced down. CRAP. I forgot all about my boner! It was clear as day! What a huge bulge! It was so obvious :O

"HEHEHE!" snickered the UPS guy, then hopped in his truck. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

"GRRR!" I slammed the door. Stupid troll delivery guy. Teasing me for a having a boner. SO WHAT? People get boners every day, it's a natural thing. And if I wanna answer the door with one, that's my freedom as an American, am I right?

As I walked back to my bedroom, I opened up the box. It was a ShamWow! WOW! It looked just as super cool as on the commercial! Normal towels like all the rest of the world use simply won't do. Oh hell no. When I saw that guy on the commercial, and how cool he was with his headset and sopping up liquid IN REAL TIME, CAMERA GUY, YOU FOLLOWING ME?, I knew my life wouldn't be complete without one. I'll be saying WOW every time I use it! :D

And I was about to use it. Because soon – HOPEFULLY – there was gonna be some liquid to clean up. If you know what I mean ;)

(I meant I was gonna cum and then clean up my jizz with it, in case you didn't get that joke.)

I'm sure it'll work great! It's made in Germany and you know the Germans always make good stuff. Germany told me so himself. Germany loves ShamWows.

I hopped back on the bed with my ShamWow and my boner. "Okay, for real this time," I said, squirting more lotion on my hand. "No more interruptions! I'm gonna FINISH!"

I grabbed a handful of myself and WENT TO TOWN. Fast and furious. Hard, quick, tightly squeezed strokes. I had nothing on my mind except finally climaxing. Enough was enough. I was beyond sexually frustrated. I needed to finish. It wasn't optional!

"Englaaaand …" I moaned, staring hard at the map. Why did it turn me on so much? It was almost as arousing as England's human form. Something about those coastal curves drove me wild! The longer I stared the closer I got. My cock ached for that island nation, with all its little counties and cities with the fancy, proper sounding names. It was so hot. I couldn't help but fist my cock while staring, still going as fast as I could, bringing myself closer and closer.

FAP FAP FAP

"Ngghh …" I whimpered. "Oh, England … fuck …" The sound of skin clapping filled the room. "God … that peninsula … so hot …"

I got my ShamWow ready with my other hand. Because looking and fantasizing with that map in front of me, I wasn't gonna last much longer …

FMMMmmmmm …

I stopped. Everything had gone black.

"What the heck was that? !"

I couldn't believe it! There I was, just a few strokes from my MUCH DELAYED orgasm, and the power goes off! It's not even windy outside! WTF! All the electronic stuff made this weird powering-down hum that startled me and made me stop. The room went pitch dark. And guess what?

I couldn't see my map of England anymore!

GRRRRR!

Stupid rolling blackouts! I couldn't see a damn thing! I mean, I could see a little if I opened the blinds but then the neighbors might see me whacking off. What was I supposed to do? !

Sure, I could have just kept going. I was so close, it wouldn't have taken too long. I totally added at least a minute or so by being interrupted again, but it still wouldn't have been too hard. The map was still plenty fresh in my mind. And I have a good imaginaaaaation~

BUT! I figured, since I was delayed a little any way, I could spare a little more time. WHY? ! you ask. After all, I must be going crazy by now! Getting interrupted by so many things. Well, yeah. Totally. But I had a good idea. One that was even better than getting off a map of England.

I grabbed my phone and turned it on. There was just enough light for me to find a Sharpie. Oh, this was gonna be good.

I took my two pillows and lined them up, one below the other, like vertical. You can picture this, right? I made it long, like a body. Anyway, once I had them in a good position, I took the Sharpie and I drew a face on the pillow near the top. Kinda a dumb face like :I but I dunno what kind of face England has during sex, LOL. Oh, did I mention this was England's face? It was totally obvious from the humongous eyebrows I drew on it like =_=

"Perfect!" I said, sitting back to look at my awesome artwork skills. It totally looked like England's face! Dem Sharpie brows … hehe, yeah …

I set my phone on the nightstand. Time to get busy. I climbed on top of those pillows like they were a body beneath me. I straddled it like I would straddle England if he ever let me do this to him!

Then I humped. I humped them pillows good.

"Mmm, yeah …" I panted, thrusting hard. "You like that, England?"

I wished it really was England to answer me. But he wasn't there, so I had to improvise.

"Indeed!" I said in my most Britishy of voices. "This is the most jolly good shag I've ever received! Good show, chap!"

"Hells yeah," I said in my normal, American, cool voice. "I know you love my cock."

"Indeed, my good man!" I said Britishy again. "Please bloody continue as bloody hard as you bloody can! Chip, chip, cheerio!"

I kept thrusting. I grinded my cock hard against the pillows.

"Aw, yeah …" I said in my own voice. I was really straining by then. I was going at it pretty hard. "I totally will. All for you, dude. All these inches are just for you … no one else …"

"Oh, America!" I made pillow England say. "How positively delightful! I bloody love you! Kiss me, you bloody git!"

"OKAY!"

So then I made out with a pillow.

"Mmm …" I moaned. I tasted cotton as I kissed my pillowcase.

After a minute or so of furiously pillow sucking, I pulled back. There was a wet spot on the fabric. "Happy bloody Valentine's Day, America!" I made pillow England say.

"Yeah … happy Valentine's to you too, England …"

I was so lonely :'D

I ran my hands down the sides of the pillows. I pretended I was feeling up England's body, but it was sorta hard to imagine, because I doubt England felt that soft and pillowy. Or cold and lifeless. But I had to make do.

I kept frantically grinding myself against the pillow. I thrusted hard, making the bed squeak. Cotton wasn't the ideal choice of material for me to slide my cock against, but friction was friction. Especially if it was made to look like England.

"Ohhh …" I moaned. I was so close. "Englaaaaand … yes … ngggh …"

RIIIIIIING!

I froze. My eyes sprang open. No. Fucking. Way. This couldn't be happening. Not when I was so close again! Just a few more thrusts and I'd be there …

RIIIIIIING!

Why, God, why? ! What did I ever do to you? ! Besides touch myself? ! Okay, I guess that's a sin, but come on. I'm a guy. We all gotta play a solo on the devil's clarinet every now and again, ya know?

But I guess I wasn't! The world apparently did not want me to finish. It wanted me to have blue balls and be in eternal sexual frustration. HNNNGGGGHHH so annoying!

RIIIIIIING!

Well, I wasn't gonna get off with this constant ringing. I heaved a big sigh and sat up. I leaned over the nightstand to see what douchenozzle was interrupting my special batin' time this time.

I read the name: ENGLAND.

:O

Oh. My. God. You guys. Could you believe it? Here I was, humping pillows I'd made to look like him, with his FACE drawn on one, pretending to be fucking his brains out. And he calls me.

This was one interruption I actually might not mind! HEHE~

I inhaled and exhaled deeply. I was trying to make sure I didn't sound all out of breath like I was when I answered.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hello," said England. He sounded … quiet. "What are you up to?"

I glanced down. I was sitting beside the pillow with his face drawn on it, the one below it now smeared with precum, with an erect cock, dripping in anticipation of such a delayed orgasm.

"… nothing," I answered.

"Oh."

He sounded almost sad …

"Well, I know it's still Valentine's Day over there …"

"Oh y-yeah!" I interrupted. God, why did I have to sound all nervous like that? "It's really late over where you are, right?"

"Yes." An awkward pause. "I heard from France you had a date. How is that going?"

"Oh." Boy … the awkwardness … it was like suffocating … "Actually, I guess, it's still going on?" My date was with my right hand, remember? And when he said date, I curled my fingers around my cock again. And began stroking again.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt."

"No, it's okay!" I'm glad he couldn't see that I was smiling! "So how was your Valentine's?"

"Ugh, dreadfully boring. I had so much work to do. My bosses, they just don't understand. I was buried in paperwork all day. I had to work so late at the office. It was quite tiring …"

England kept going. Rambling on about his boring day. And yet, even though it was boring, it was enough. Enough to turn me on. As he spoke, I kept stroking. The sound of his voice was really arousing …

"… yeah?" I said when he finally stopped. "What else happened?" I don't really care, I just want to hear your voice some more …

"Oh. Um. Well, let's see. In Parliament, an argument broke out. I suppose that was a little exciting. It all started when …"

England went on and on. I dunno what about exactly. I was busy batin' like I never bated before in my life. I would have humped the pillows some more, but that was quite strenuous and I didn't want him to hear me get even more out of a breath. I poked my tongue out of the corner of my mouth, concentrating hard, as I pumped my cock. Whatever you do, England, don't stop talking. I don't give a crap what about, just don't stop talking.

"… and that's why I will never use the restrooms in that building ever again," finished England. There was another pause. "... are you still there—"

"Oh! Y-yeah!" I probably should have stopped stroking. At least during MY turn to speak. It was making my voice weird and my breathing funny. Butttttt … I didn't. "Sorry, you were saying?"

"I finished the story …"

"Well … uh …" Crap, I was so close. "What else happened to you today?" Something, anything, I just need to hear your voice …

"Hmm," hesitated England. "Ah, here's something nice. After I finished my work and could finally leave, it was late, so I popped over to the market to bring home something to eat. I just wanted to grab something I could make quickly and easily."

"… yeah?"

"And I saw that all the Valentine's Day candy was on sale, dramatically reduced …"

"… uh huh …"

"I was able to buy so much at a fraction of its normal price. Now I have enough candy to last me weeks."

"Mmm-hmmm …"

fap fap fap

(I was doing it softly so England couldn't hear)

"… are you even listening to me?"

"YEAH!" I replied kinda defensively.

"Normally you get excited about candy. Would you want to come over some time and help me eat it? Lord knows I won't be eating it all by myself any time soon …"

Suddenly, I gasped really loudly. Like REALLY loud. Then I went "Englaaand …!" in the most strangled, moaniest of voices.

I came.

I finally came.

All over the pillow with England's face drawn on it.

Finally! SWEET, SWEET RELEASE. It felt so good. Being built up and let down so many times made my orgasm so intense. No wonder I choked while talking to England! How could I help it? ! It was such an incredible orgasm, OMG. All over those Sharpie drawn brows. It was quite a mess.

It lasted several seconds (in which England just sat awkwardly and quietly on the other end of the phone.) Finally when it was over, I sighed heavily and slumped.

Then I nervously cleared my throat. "Ahem … you were saying?"

"…"

Silence.

"… England?"

"… uh. Are you all right?"

Oh yeeeeeah. I just had one of the best orgasms in my life, and was still reeling from it, my brain all foggy and high. Hells yeah I was all right. "Sure am …"

"Oh — okay. Well, enough about me. Tell me …" England hesitated. "Something."

I flopped on my back. "Haha, something? What something?"

"I don't know. Something interesting."

"Pfft. You're so weird to talk to."

"Just anything."

"Uh …" I thought. "Ooh! I ordered a ShamWow. It came in the mail today! They are the best of towels, though I'm sure you've heard of them."

"Uh huh …"

"Plus I love that guy who does the commercials! With his cool headset. I bought the Chop Slap too because of him. I love chopping things!"

"… yeah?"

"Yep! I heard he beat up a hooker but oh well! She probably deserved it, haha!"

"Th-that's … interesting …"

"Mmm-hmm! Anyway, the ShamWow is made in Germany, and that guy says the Germans always make good stuff. I can think of a few things that Germany made that weren't good, like say, back in WW2, but whatever! It's a good product!"

"… yeah … I bet …"

"I might be spilling stuff on purpose just to use it, haha!"

"Mm-hmm …"

"Mmyep."

"Go on …"

"That's it."

Speaking of the ShamWow, I was wiping my softening cock clean with it as I spoke. It absorbs so well! :D

"Tell me something else then …" said England.

"Huh? Like what?"

"I don't care … something … anything …"

Huh. That sounded familiar. "Well, uh, my power went out. That's something."

"… yeah?"

"Yeah, just a few minutes ago. I'm just laying here in the dark." Wow, that sounded suspicious, didn't it? Especially since I said I was still on my date! Oops.

But for some reason England didn't say anything about it. "Uh huh …"

"I don't know what to do without any lights on."

"Fffuucckk …" said England, but very weirdly. Almost like he was whimpering. Then I heard him take a deep breath and clear his throat. "Ahem! S-sorry. I was … distracted by something. Go on with what you were saying."

"… uh …" I hesitated. That too sounded suspicious … "You know what? I forgot what we were talking about."

"… me too."

You know what? I think something suspicious did happen just then! And that was really fast, so England is either the most premature guy ever, or he'd been doing it for a while and has quite the poker face. I was impressed!

"I should go now," said England. "It's terribly late here."

"Oh, yeah. Okay. Happy Valentine's Day!"

"Heh – yeah, happy Valentine's." England sighed. "Goodnight."

"'night."

Click.

I sighed too. But not really in a sad way or tired way. I actually felt a lot better! Maybe it was just because I finally got to cum and all that pent up tension was gone. I dunno.

But I guess I wasn't so alone on Valentine's Day after all.

:'D

I closed my eyes and smiled to myself. Then I heard yet another noise. It was the chiming sound of a text being received. "Huh?" I sat up and looked at my phone. It was from Canada! It said:

'Why so rude? I needed to tell u something. I have syphilis'

I stared at the text. Then I burst into laughter. "HAHAHAHA!"

That's hilarious! I texted back (with my non sticky hand!) :

'LOL! Happy VD, Canada!'

Canada just texted back an unhappy emoticon like this D:

(The end!)


End file.
